Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Josephina K., Every Day

The first time I bought condoms the security alarm at the CVS in Sears Mall went off; from the beginning, it would seem I could not win with these American anti-sexers.

The phrase "consequence-free sex," it'll keep you up at night now, circa 2014, in America. Because that's what they meant; that's what the dirty looks were for, the judgments from men who have been far sluttier than you ever have: you are flawed for being this sexual and not feeling bad about it.

It's 4:37 a.m. and I just want to curl up in a ball, eat a piece of toast and watch Golden Girls, simultaneously, whereas if it was 3 a.m., I'd be awaiting the impact of some decision; now, it's too late.

A man I'm, I think, friends with recently said to me that women over 35 regret not having children, something, as it so happens, I had confided to him last time we hung out that I was sad about--not having had a child, though the age part isn't a factor so much for me as for men like him. I think more men than I'm comfortable with are like him.

He probably didn't remember or hadn't been listening, versus a deliberate swipe (that'd be catty & men are of course incapable of being catty); at times I've by now noticed he seems to have trouble hearing me or other women, like his automatic response to the stimuli is hysterical deafness when the female person's words are not what he wanted to hear, not what he ordered, another thing I'm frustrated to still be putting up with in general and then vilified or seen as just, well, unpleasant for mentioning what? a handful of times in my life versus the many times I have existed as little more than a tuned-out lady voice, hanging there. Waiting. Hoping for some recognition. Snausages!

He was using the age factor to justify his 32-year-old girlfriend's single-minded focus on having a child by 35, something even his friends should apparently be sacrificing for in the form of hearing about her rude, selfish ways for seeming hours on end. She's a real woman, in his book. I am, going by this age rubric, inadequate, so he reminds me, and I sense there is more at play here than I am comfortable with, a judgment within a pageant I did not sign up for.

Then they yell at you that you signed consent forms, you just can't remember (because they roofied you).


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