Things Many People Have, Enjoy, Use That I Do Not

Phones said to be smart

Guns

Flat screen television

Christmas spirit

Video chat

Twitter

Any trait described as adorkable

GPS

Tablets, neither stone nor digital

Relationship status updates

Fake eyelashes

Golf umbrellas

Friends whose advice I ignore

Hen-cow get-ups

A desire to be famous, or on television

Devices that blast loud music or shows on public transportation

A xylophone
(And I'm a little sad about that one)

A belief that I better settle down soon, or else

Ipod cases

Apps
(I still think you mean appetizers and am then disappointed)

An urge to flaunt my insides on the internets, i.e., my uterus
Maybe I'll show you my guts, though. Or use them to construct a xylophone, whichever.

Zip code stasis

Shock over the real impacts of both infrastructure failure and global warming

A sense of entitlement regarding my belief that I should never have to experience the latter real impacts, they're for those other people

Non-freakishly sensitive skin, heart